36 Questions, 4 Minute Stare and Aunt Philomena - If they couldn't do it for you, who will ?

An article flashes on my face book page, that claims to have figured out 36 magical questions which can make any two people fall in love. It is a list of intimate questions that could trigger or facilitate love between two strangers in a lab environment. The experiment was designed and first successfully conducted by Arthur Aron a psychology professor, who made two strangers answer the questions in three sects. Towards the end, the participants were made to stare in to each other's eyes in absolute silence for about 4 minutes. They actually fell in love and got married six months later. This was later tried by several others with assured results.

I made a note to forward generously it to all the single (financially independent) women (family and friends) who were running low on intimacy and unable to make up their minds. While doing so, I eventually realized that number of single women in the immediate and extended family outnumbered men. Where men were single, they were already dating someone or should I say they would have figured their 36 questions and completed their 4 minute ritual. But with the women, it seemed an arduous task.

Falling (or rising) in love is a subject that has continued to occupy minds of writers, film makers, tarot readers, fortune tellers, astrologists, and match makers for several years. No daily, weekly or yearly forecast columns can afford to miss out predictions on our love affairs. If you are single (of marriageable age or beyond) and gather the nerve to visit your family friends and relatives, be assured to encounter thoughtful Aunts. Aunties that are known to you, or you bump in to by sheer chance would unconditionally pray for you to tie the nuptial knot at the earliest and live happily ever after. They self invite themselves to your wedding and promise to dance like popcorn over hot fire. Getting hitched is some mandatory qualification that would certify your otherwise petty-solo existence in this world. I used to hate them earlier. Now, I mostly use them as my muses to spin stories. I continue to be appalled about my (and our) rising complexity to commit to 36 questions and four minute stare. My impromptu decision making ability while planning travel, choosing assignments and living my life, suddenly deserts me on this frontier.

Talking about marriage obsessed aunts, I should mention that Bollywood has made memorable characters of these, my favorite being the Philomena Aunty portrayed by Leela Mishra in 1979 romantic comedy "Baton Baton Mein". Philomena, with her snow white hair, blue umbrella and a transparent floral bag is a regular visitor, an old school know it all types, who would like the couple to rush in to marriage now that they have known each other for a few meetings. Her disapproval of unwillingness to commit is rather musically expressed in this romantic number "Utthe Sab ke Kadam" [from 2:01 onwards]

Several years back, there was a popular program on some FM radio titled "Love Guru". Google, the word and you will be overwhelmed with 3,86,00,000 results. The listeners posed questions about their affairs, complications and about weird behavior of their partners and family members. [A disclosure] In India, norm is that our entire (extended) families fall in to love with each other. Sooraj Bharjatya's [final authority on Indian weddings] hyped family centered movies have set the bar for the wedding album that lines up all the relatives from left to right in several rows and is considered an authentic proof of the conjugal bond that will last at least seven lives if not more.

Coming back to the Love Guru, a calm, soothing voice at the other end of FM frequency would offer listeners sensible advice with a collection of melodious and romantic songs in between. [We Indians, have a song for ever emotion concerning love]. The advice was generic, as were the questions, largely conservative and occasionally suggesting to gather the guts to declare your love about your partner. At times, the "Love Guru" also offered serious advice to back off as it would create utterly complicated scene with several lives. His voice was sombre, grave, confident and sounded "know it all". It was a late night program, ones that would involve adult matters to be talked about only once the children slept off. Nevertheless, it offered a sneak peak in to world of love affairs that haunted young Indian minds.

Making connections has utterly complicated dimensions, historically and even today. My favorite quote on connections is by Oscar Wilde “For one moment our lives met, our souls touched.” It appears in a play "Lady Windermere's Fan, A Play about a Good Woman" by Oscar Wilde. [Second Act]

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Lady Windermere.  Ah, give me time to think.  I cannot answer you now.  [Passes her hand nervously over her brow.]

Lord Darlington.  It must be now or not at all.

Lady Windermere.  [Rising from the sofa.]  Then, not at all!  [A pause.]

Lord Darlington.  You break my heart!

Lady Windermere.  Mine is already broken.  [A pause.]

Lord Darlington.  To-morrow I leave England.  This is the last time I shall ever look on you.  You will never see me again.  For one moment our lives met—our souls touched.  They must never meet or touch again.  Good-bye, Margaret.  [Exit.]

Lady Windermere.  How alone I am in life!  How terribly alone!

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At the end of Four Acts, Lord Darlington, somehow does not end up with Margaret (or Lady Windermere). I now wonder. How if he had known about the 36 questions and 4 minute stare ? Or if Oscar Wilde could have created a character by the name of Lady Philomena in 1893.

Dreams that light up my world

Dreams of the poor, of the rich,

Of old, young and sick

Of courage, escape and encounters,

You find them on all platters.

In all shapes, sizes and places,

On streets and shallow spaces

Dreams that light up my world

(J K Nagar Jhuggies, Bhopal 24th Dec. 2015)

The wrong train, right destination and some effortless optimism

“Kabhi Kabhi galat train bhi sahi jagah pahuncha deti hai” – The lunch box is clearly my favorite movie of the year. It transported me back to the rare genre of minimalist cinema that binds you through every shot. It transcends the usual rhetoric of rights and wrongs and explores the rarest of the rare options that our conditional minds usually discard. The fascination for Bhutan with its “Gross Happiness Index” is an apt metaphor for transcending the boundaries that we usually self create to fall within the expected social behavior. There are ample self reflecting moments in the story that one can easily relate to. All the three lead actors are rebels of similar kind that shatter the boundaries in an effortless manner. I liked it also for the simple reason that it entertains, inspires and makes you smile without creating the much hullabaloo. 

A Weekend and a Belonging

Another weekend goes by! My flat meticulously cleaned, plants watered, clothes rolled up and newspaper nicely folded, with all oped and editorial sections read thoroughly, important points highlighted in fluorescent orange marker. Smell of a tempting new book, light breeze through my balcony door and utter silence around me. There are no rains, but tea is in regular supply. The last three days workshop has made me mentally bankrupt. I am still trying to recollect what was new in the annual parade of discussions? I curse myself for being direct, sometimes indirect but am convinced of the utter wastage of my energies.

“Our Moon has Blood clots” makes a difficult weekend reading especially when I am looking for something more light to get rid of the dizziness that had set it.  But, I do not resist it, treading through every page that tells a story not heard very often. A book that reminds me of another side to every coin, which we very conveniently forget to turn. How can human beings be capable of such violence is something that I will always fail to understand. The reading definitely makes me think about the need for belonging to a territory, identify and being among group of people whom we call family, friends and relatives. From a combination of these things, we derive out identity and make memories. Brutal uprooting of people from this so called familiar territory, their own little world can cause mental trauma that is devastating. Being a “refugee” has its own toll and we as a nation haven’t developed the empathy to understand and relate to this.     

My thoughts wander to my own identify. I have lived in four States in the last twelve years. ‘Familiarity’ is different from ‘Belonging’. In a place, that I come back home every day, I can sense familiarity, but it does not allow my roots to grow deeper and stronger. It allows me four inch top soil to survive, but does not hold me on forever. What does it actually mean to belong, to be so strongly tied to the roots?  

Bright Morning !

The night before, it had rained heavily for hours. Occasionally, in between the thunders seemed to convey the anger of “Rain Gods”. One could feel the breeze rattling through the open window panes and guzzling through the house.

This morning the sky is clear and full of bright clouds. They are arranged to form a beautiful mosaic of white, murky formless objects.

In the background, I can hear “Aadat” by Atif Aslam. He’s such a darling and the time he reaches the climax of his song; all the clouds sway in a fashion that matches his pitch. Here are a handful of clouds that I could collect for all of you.

Last month was a little peculiar. I received a series of calls from my friends, each of who had quit or were about to quit their jobs. The reasons varied and all of them had called me to discuss reasons, prospects and trauma associated with their previous/ongoing jobs. But to my surprise all of them sounded similar. It left me baffled, how can so many of my friends go through similar problems at same time in life and call me at the same time!!!

The circumstances or complaints were matching in spite of different stages of their career or organizational dynamics or their expectations of an ideal work environment. All I did was to give a patient listening to each of them. Lately, some of them have started calling back informing me that things are changing with them. Again, what I did was smiled and listened patiently!! Sometimes it helps to be a patient listener.

No takers for the hatred politics !!

Leading newspapers and television are reporting that the recent incidents of Mumbai have uplifted the roots of Cosmopolitan spirit and put the entire country to disgrace. Having spent a considerable time in this city, the memories I carry are of 26th July 2005 - the terrible Tuesday that brought loss of lives, economy and loved ones. But at the same time also reinstated the spirit of “humanity” in the city – A city that is better known for its “survival of fittest” strategy.

Never in my life, have I seen such a poignant effort by people to help each other and come out of the trauma. My house was flooded as well and I had to spend the night at a neighbors place and for the first time in my life, I felt what it means to be “homeless”. My architecture and planning school never instilled the compassion to experience the shame, disgrace and loss of dignity that several citizens have to face daily when they sleep without a roof over their heads, till I experienced Mumbai !

So today, it is difficult to come to terms that Mumbai’s cosmopolitan spirit is a lie! Indeed it is not. It is a political gimmick of handful of people who are trying hard to regain political vote banks for power. Let me tell you that the common – Marathi manus is least interested in this vengeance. Mumbai undoubtedly is the home to the taxiwalas, dabbawals, and the street vendors who continue to serve the city 24 X 7 and make it the economic magnet! It belongs to the people who for years have filled its swampy marshes and replaced them with the firm foundation to hold gigantic structures! Or to those who hang on to the speeding train compartments because the show must go on! To those who come for a short time, make a fortune and remain indebted to the city for their lives! Mumbaikar has learnt the hard way and is definitely not interested in cheap politics.

S-C-K-L* Blabber……

I am otherwise a very organized and a result oriented person. (at least that is what the internet personality tests reveal and my professional colleagues believe). For half of my life span (considering a modest human life span) I have done extremely meaningful things to achieve goals, aspirations and dreams. Every time leaving an empty feeling when you finally achieve the desired thing… And the circle continues…

Exhausted by the limited possibilities above option offers, for some time now I have turned out to new options… less meaningful things…. Things you do just for the sake of doing it, with no pre conceived results and notions attached to it…

As a part of this initiative the S-C-K-L blabber was born - Extensive 1 hour (lunch time is strictly restricted in our office premises) of blabbering at our Adda (picture attached) for more than one year now, we are the subject experts on blabbering’s…. Subjects vary from politics, human life, relationships, spirituality, societal norms, gold prices & of course our sweet Shreya (one year old princess)….The one hour of blabber gives us enough tonic to looking for meaning in rest 8 hours of day….

There’s only one song that can echo my feelings about this blabber group… ‘Dil Chahta Hai” title song over here

* S, C, K & L appear confident (otherwise confused) Indian adults who till now have been good girls and followed the conventions societal norms without questioning why… And after we came together as a group, we have questioned and deliberated on all the possibilities offered by the human life!!

On foot - in Hyderabad

In the last few months, I have grown passionate about “Long walks” by the Hyderabad roads. Not all the roads are spacious enough to pursue this, but some (the one featured here) are awesome. The following stretches are on my favourite list:

1) From film nagar to Jubilee check post
2) From KBR park to Madhapur (via check post)

3) Necklace road

The first two stretches run parallel to KBR Park, which is an excellent central park that helps the city breathe and houses some amazing walkways inside it. Needless to mention it is a humble abode to thousands of flora and fauna in midst of expanding urban activity. The third stretch "Necklace road" is the periphery to the lake.

The lighting and wind on these routes are perfect and walkways comfortable. I have walked kilometers, sometimes with friends and at times alone. The perfect time to walk is early morning (6 to 7 am) or just around sunset (6 to 7 pm). For music lovers, it is best to have your ipod on the walk, and for others the sound of the passing vehicles provides the musical backdrop. With hardly any walkers on this road, the path is obstacle free to walk through.

Besides you can get yourself a few moments of solace and fesh air! On the path are a couple of low lighted restaurants/coffee shops, where you can take a shot break to rejuvenate. A good change from occasional beach walks or forest treks!

I was searching for my Italian restaurant with a couple of friends on a Saturday night when we lost our way and bumped in to this store. What attracted us is the letter “Organic” on its sign board. From outside, the lighting was perfect with neat racks and quiet ambience. (Ok let me admit, for singles like us, there is enough time in life for hunting new stores, products and trying out new restaurants!)

The store houses organic food stuff like a number of organically grown cereals, pulses, vegetables and snacks (yes you read it right!!). For a foodie, nothing is more rejuvenating that an evening spent hunting right kinds of food stuff and healthy recipes. But to be a little more candid, I am bored with the American corn and corn flakes dominating the Indian market as only notions of “healthy food”. I was a little surprised when I recently picked up a pack of soybean granules manufactured in South Africa at a local food shop!

I guess Indian foods and products have sufficient variety and nutrition that suit well to the Indian climate and taste good. So what makes it difficult to brand Indian food as healthy recipes and sell it to the people? Marketing – Yes you read it right, we need the right kind of food to be packed well and sold with details on its nutritional value.

So when you blend traditional Indian food items in an organic backdrop, the demand definitely overgrows. Organic food has a bright future to elimination nutritional problems and creating a healthy food market nationally & internationally. Besides it also gets our farmers rid from chemicals that have been overused to get high and fast yields.

But what I fear is that organic food market should not become a sector for elite class. In fact the correct strategy would be perpetuating it to the grassroots and train our farmers to mass produce and ensure proper subsidies for organic food. This is how we can ensure health food market and self sufficiency for all in the country.

@ 19,000 - Book some, keep some – Don’t worry if you have none!

This is the advice for all the retail investors whose hearts are throbbing at the latest “bull run” in the Indian stock market. No wonder, all the news channels carry detailed stories on the sensex and what it means. Happy faces, CEOs, brokers and Aam Aadmi who has lately been obsessed with his demat accounts. FM, Chidambaram as he said in the HT summit, the sensex at times surprises him and at times worries him. His advice is simple- don’t invest entire savings in stock market. The spur in the Asian markets (including China) can also be addressed to more foreign investments flowing in these markets. Not to forget the terrorism angle of heavy investments in the market.

With only 4% of the Indians investing heavily and directly in the stock market, for the rest, companies are trying to sell the mutual funds.

For the 4% money makers, the dilemma is buy, sell or hold. But for rest 90% it’s earning daily bread and listening to never ending debates on news channels that hardly represent their concerns. But remember India is shining amidst lowering sex ratio, school drop outs, farmer suicides and terrorist strikes. No wonder Adi Godrej, favors LPG (liberalization, privatization and globalization) to make the Bull Run even faster.

Night walk

It was almost 11.00 pm when we started our walk through the city road. For me it was a causal night walk with little to talk but to feel the soft breeze through the narrow lane. But for my friend, it was a vent out!! The traffic was still heavy probably because it was a weekend. The conversation was not different from that I usually hear from people. All I could do (or I do) in such situations was to be a patient listener!

Hearing about relationships, possessiveness or break over hang-ups is pretty difficult if you are not experienced. What you miss to understand is that this person has exhausted all the options in life and is at the verge of breaking down. Although it may not actually happen, but at that particular moment it seems real. So then if the entire human race is clingy, possessive, tends to hold on things, people and memories (read negative), then how are we different? I think, in reality we are not very different. It’s only the degree to which we openly admit to these feelings differs.

The moment was intense and I thought in the end, I need to say something, just to merely make my undivided attention evident (what a hypocrisy). I suggested giving benefit of doubt to the person under scrutiny, before my friend exaggerates the situation and creates self pity. It worked.

On the way back, we passed through a sweet shop and my friend spent a fortune picking up the best ones. Looking at the almost empty racks of the shop, it set me wondering if the world is full of similar customers!! I restrained myself from any of the sweets and told my friend to go ahead. After all, it was her day. But out of curiosity, I finally asked her, how does she manage to be a “stick” (read slim n sleek) in spite of having a flair for the sweets. And she giggled………..

Hue & Sue

Hue & Sue are twins. (picture 2) And if we are not mistaken, they were born on magical 07/07/07. Both K & myself missed their birthday. The beauties came out after around two weeks of mystical processes in the red eggs. (picture 1) My friend, K has been patient enough to visit them every day ( I also tag along her) to see how does their little home survives the wind, rain and heat. (picture 1). But God has been graceful and they could see the light of the day. Its few more days and then the twins take off in the blue sky. Thanks to all the hard work of their mother (picture 3).... they seem to be growing up fast....What a graceful life !!

Invisible fences

Quite often we visualize blocks. Our mind is trained to do so. Every new thing or activity that we plan to start, the first thing that comes to our mind is the people who may oppose/criticise or reject it. And this is precisely what Robin calls invisible fences. For an instance try and feel that no disparities/blocks exist in this life and you are free to do whatever you like. Anything!! This will set a new energy flowing within you - positive energy and you may be able to get over the invisible fences!

a newspiece

I was sipping my first morning tea, when my eyes landed on this small piece in the newspaper - Government planning to legalize consensual teenage sex in India.... and my brows went up, reassuring myself that I was reading Indian newspaper in an orthodox south Indian city. The article was supported by musings of a couple of parents, Ministry of women and child development and a social worker.

Lip locking scenes/obscene acts in teenagers are becoming a reality in Indian metros and people who look for some decency in public spaces are left to ramble to themselves... While I would take some time to come back on this development (after some research & monologues), it clearly is an indication that the Indian society and cultural norms are at cross roads and the path ahead is difficult! And whether we are prepared or not the debate has begun!

On cloud 9

Today, I got a comment from D that my blog is amazing and inspiring..:-)..............And needless to say since then I am on clould 9 and have been floating! (For those whom I have failed to present some good readings, kindly forgive me & ignore this post)

I have promised D & H to arrange a get together soon, so that we can refresh memories of old college days! And I am gonna bring both the buzy mother's together... Wish me luck!

(ps: when was the last that you got in touch with your old friends just to say hi... I have been thinking about you and I think we must meet...... Believe me it helps)

Feel like giving up ?

One day I decided to quit...
I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality... I wanted to quit my life.
I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
"God", I said. "Can you give me one good reason not to quit?"
His answer surprised me...
"Look around", He said. "Do you see the fern and the bamboo?"
"Yes", I replied.
"When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.
I gave them light. I gave them water.
The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor.
Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.
But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the Fern grew more
vibrant and plentiful.
And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the
bamboo. He said.
"In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would
not quit.
In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo see.
I would not quit." He said.
"Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant...But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong
And gave it what it needed to survive.
I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle."
He said to me. "Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots"
"I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you."
"Don't compare yourself to others." He said. "The bamboo had a different Purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful."
"Your time will come", God said to me. "You will rise high"
"How high should I rise" I asked.
"How high will the bamboo rise" He asked in return.
"As high as it can" I questioned.
"Yes." He said, "Give me glory by rising as high as you can."
I left the forest and bring back this story.
I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.
Never Give up..

An evening at CCD, Hyderabad

Yesterday three women walked in CCD. Over a pizza, chicken roll and milk shakes, they talked about the world, worries, miseries and the tough life. This continued for an odd two hours.

When they came out, they were light as air and fragrant as flowers, leaving all the anxiety behind and ready to face odd balls…

It set me thinking. What was it? Women power? Power of bonding? Talking your heart out or shedding out all the negativity and moving to new heights!

Thank You, P & K for being such wonderful coffee friends!

It’s almost four years since we met. And then the memories began to fade, not leaving a slightest impression of what had occurred. Small things were said and the big things unsaid- lurking inside as usual. If only there was a way of letting out one know- what I feel and the depth of it! I have lost the words. We seem two worlds apart.

From mediocrity to perfection, there is a huge gap....And I have just thought of starting this arduous journey... On a good note....